Why should we care about sexual consent?

As parents and family members, we want the best for our kids. We want them to be happy and to make safe, responsible decisions. Recent research shows that young people agree the adults in their lives should talk to them more about sexual consent. Fortunately, we have the power to positively shape their attitudes and behaviours. But we need to work together.

When we think about sexual consent, many adults think of the negative side. How getting it wrong can lead to serious consequences for everyone involved. This is natural because we want to protect our children and it’s how many of us were raised. But talking about consent doesn’t have to be something that only happens when things go wrong. 

Instead, we can see reaching, withholding and communicating consent as part of the suite of skills that anyone can learn. These conversations become an important part of each young person’s development, setting them up to have healthy and safe relationships.

How do we think about consent?

Right now, men and women have very different views on how consent is put into practice. We aren't aligned on what it looks like, what's involved, if it's easy or difficult to discuss, or even its role in our relationships.

Our lack of shared understanding has a direct impact on the next generation and their ability to have healthy relationships.

• One study into the attitudes of 16 to 24 year olds revealed that 38 per cent agree that ‘it is common for sexual assault accusations to be a way of getting back at men’.
• Around a quarter of them (32 per cent) believe it’s common for women who say they were raped to have led the man on and then had regrets. 

This suggests young Australians can struggle to recognise consent and sexual violence.

However, providing positive information and examples during the early years and adolescence can help young people to develop mutually respectful relationships and prevent harm. But before we talk to young people, we need to focus on talking among adults first.

Why should we talk to other adults first?

Before we have these conversations with young people, us adults need to get on the same page about consent to provide them with a united message.

Sexual consent is not usually a topic that adults openly discuss. It’s not even a topic that many of us fully understand ourselves. Some of us avoid it altogether because we don’t have all the answers and it makes us uncomfortable. 

The best way to get around this is to learn about the issue and talk with others. Talk to other adults you trust, like your partner or a close friend. Your personal views on consent might not align perfectly and that’s okay. When we consider different perspectives, we can come to a shared understanding about the issue.

Remember that these conversations will help you feel more confident. The more you educate yourself, the more equipped you’ll be to have informed conversations with other adults about consent, and ultimately that means the kids in your life will be safer.

What is sexual consent?

Sexual consent is a free, voluntary and informed agreement between people to participate in a sexual act. This agreement is only present when these people mutually and genuinely feel they want to engage in that sexual act and actively make sure their partner does too.

This means there is only consent to a sexual activity if everyone involved:

• agrees with each other to take part
• really wants to take part – they don’t feel they have to
• checks in with each other to make sure everyone wants to take part
• shows or says they want to take part in a clear and open way.

Sexual consent relates to sexual activities, such as:

• sexual intercourse
• touching someone in a sexual way
• sharing sexual images
• online sexual activities. 

Sexual consent is not:

• a problem to solve
• a transaction or a contract – an exchange where someone ‘gives’ or ‘receives’ consent.

Reaching, withholding and communicating consent is part of a set of skills people can learn to have safe, fun and pleasurable sexual activity and healthy sexual relationships. It doesn’t matter if you’re in a relationship or not. There must be consent to engage in sexual activity that is free from violence, pressure and control.

Why is consent important?

Not only is consent the baseline for sexual activity free of violence and control, it’s at the heart of every safe and healthy sexual encounter. It establishes a foundation of respect, communication and trust. It creates a space where both partners can freely express their desires, boundaries and needs, creating a stronger and more fulfilling connection between them. Healthy and respectful sexual experiences and relationships involve feelings of safety, as well as enjoyment and pleasure.

To help you get the discussion flowing with other adults, you might like to consider using one or more of these conversation starters so you feel as prepared as possible.

Conversation starters about parenting

• How do you talk to your kids about awkward topics? 
• Where is a good place to start when talking about consent?
• When is the right time to start talking to your kids about sexual consent?
• What do you consider age appropriate and why?
• How can we teach kids to handle rejection or withdrawal of consent? What can they do in that situation?

Conversation starters about relationships

• Why is consent important to safe sexual activity and healthy relationships?
• Who is responsible for communicating sexual consent? Does consent need to be established every time?
• Is asking for sexual consent more important in a new relationship than in a committed, long-term relationship?
• Do you need to be in a relationship with someone for consent to be necessary?
• At what point during a sexual encounter are you meant to ask for consent?

Conversation starters about consent

• How are you communicating consent, and are there ever situations where it is implied?
• Why might someone find it hard to communicate ‘no’?
• Some people think that asking for consent ‘spoils the mood’? Are there some more fun and natural ways to check for consent?
• Is the way you approach consent affected by your culture or religious beliefs?
• Does talking about consent make relationships awkward? If so, how can we overcome this?

Before you get started, please make sure you have read Step 1: Talking consent with other adults. 

Once you have engaged with adults, it is time to talk consent with the young people in your life. Having open discussions will empower them with the knowledge they need to have healthy, respectful relationships and safe, fun sexual experiences. 

Talking about consent is about much more than preventing violence. It is also setting our young people up for success. Research tells us that education for children and teens about consent in an age-appropriate way is good for them. It helps them to choose to have their first sexual experiences when they’re ready. It also reduces the chances of bad sexual experiences or doing harm to others. 

This guide provides information to support conversations about consent in your family so that everyone benefits.

• Today, young people have unprecedented access to sexual content online. The average age of first viewing pornography is 13 years old. 
• Young men aged 15-19 have the highest offender rates of sexual violence.
• One in 5 women (22 percent) and one in 16 men (6.1 percent) have experienced sexual violence since the age of 15. 

 Benefits for primary school aged children

For children, conversations about body autonomy and safety have many benefits. These discussions can help children:

• Identify and communicate appropriate and inappropriate touch
• Learn to be more in tune with their body and emotions and how these are connected
• Learn how to get along with others
• Develop relationship skills
• Build self-confidence
• Set the scene for future learning about sexual health and consent into the teenage years and early adulthood.

Benefits of talking to teens

For teenagers, a comprehensive sexual education that involves respect, equality and personal rights can help to:

• Increase their knowledge and help them build healthy relationship skills 
• Reduce dating and intimate partner violence
• Delay the first sexual experience until they’re ready
• Support positive mental health, social interactions, positive attitudes and behaviours
• Provide them with skills and awareness before they encounter sexual content online

We know from research that open and direct conversations that are positive, rather than negative, are best when talking to young people about healthy sexual relationships and consent. This way, you will create a space where the young person feels comfortable and safe to talk to you about anything. 

Some tips for having the conversation with young people 

• Plan for the conversation - what do you want to say? How do you want to say it?
• Check that the time is right - do you or they have to be anywhere? Is anyone tired or distracted?
• Ensure you have privacy - can you be overheard or interrupted? 
• Some kids prefer not to be looking at you, so going for a drive, sitting side by side on the couch, or taking a walk may be appropriate.
• Approach without judgment and ask questions - the discussion will be more successful if you listen, show empathy, and relate to what they are saying.
• Ask your child questions - what do they already know about consent? How do they feel about it? What happens at school?
• Provide feedback - gently correct any misinformation and pose alternative views.
  Answer their questions as best you can and get back to them if you don’t know something.
• Use books, movies and TV shows as examples. It can be easier for teens to talk about their favorite character than themselves. For example: 
  • Do you think that person looked comfortable being touched? I liked the way he respected her decision when she said she changed her mind about having sex. Why is that important? 
• Keep discussions short and frequent rather than one or two long sessions.

Framing consent at different ages

As we know, there are many differences in the thoughts, emotions, and social abilities of a 10 year old as opposed to a 16 year old, so it’s a good idea to tailor conversations about consent in a way that suits the child’s stage of life. Bear in mind some children may be ‘young’ or ‘more mature’ for their age, too. 

Tackling consent early with children, before you relate the issue to sex, paves the way for ongoing conversations during the teenage years. As children get older, you can start talking more openly and directly about sexual consent.

Primary school age

For children under the age of 12, adults can talk about how children’s bodies belong to them, how to understand their feelings (happy, scared, excited, worried), when something ‘feels right’ or ‘feels wrong’ or ‘feels confusing’. This helps teach children about their personal boundaries and how they might recognise what seems fine and what doesn’t. It can also help children understand that their bodies belong to them and they have control over who touches them.

For example, you can teach children they have the right to say no to hugs or kisses from relatives or friends if they don’t feel comfortable. By respecting their decisions regarding physical contact, you can set a good example and teach them the foundations of consent from an early age.

Teenagers

Be aware that adolescents may not be comfortable speaking about their bodies, sex and consent at first. Build their trust by exploring ideas without jumping to suggestions and listen without judgement. Try and create an environment where they can be increasingly honest with their questions, beliefs and feelings. These discussions will get easier over time.

Conversations at this age start with understanding their feelings - including excitement, disappointment, crushes and romantic and sexual attraction. Helping adolescents recognise emotions leads to knowing what feels safe and what doesn’t.

Sexual consent and the law

It’s important to understand the laws that apply in Australia about sexual consent and sexual assault. These laws are different depending on where you are in Australia. 

But sexual consent isn’t just about knowing the laws and changing behaviours only enough to not break the law. It’s about making sure sexual activity is positive and pleasurable for everyone, and reducing the potential for harm to sexual partners.

For more information on sexual consent and the law for each Australian state visit:

Youth Law Australia | Legal Services For All Young People yla.org.au

How to deal with consent being withdrawn

Hearing that someone doesn’t consent can be hard. It can feel like rejection which brings up a lot of feelings. Everybody deals with rejection sometimes. It is okay to feel upset but it is never okay to make the other person feel bad, pressured or guilty about it.

If you’re feeling upset you could:

• talk to a friend or family member
• get some exercise
• kick a ball
• take some deep breaths 
• get some sunshine
• have a cry
• do something you love.

As Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander parents and carers, our kids and family are our everything. We all want them to grow up safe, happy, and making wise choices.

Part of keeping kids and young people happy and safe and setting them up to have healthy relationships in the future, is teaching them about sexual consent. Research tells us young people want this too. That they want the trusted adults in their lives to talk more about sexual consent, to help them understand it.

Yet, sometimes we adults struggle to talk openly about sex and sexual consent because of our own upbringings or experiences. It can be a tough yarn because it might feel shame, uncomfortable or even taboo for some of us. Or it can just feel embarrassing and awkward.

But it’s important we do yarn about it, to help our kids and young people learn to have healthy and safe relationships.

It can help to start these conversations with people you trust — like a brother or sister, a partner, or a mate — before you talk to your kids. You might have different ideas about sexual consent, but talking about it and finding out more can help you feel stronger and more sure when you’re ready to talk to the young ones.

Because learning, understanding, yarning about consent, can’t wait.

This conversation guide is just that – a guide to help First Nations parents and caregivers talk about sexual consent with other adults and young ones. It does not take into account the unique First Nations community protocols that may exist and vary in different communities.

Sexual consent is a free, voluntary and informed agreement shared between people each time they take part in a sexual activity.

It means there is only sexual consent if the people involved:

• Make the choice without pressure, guilt or shame (made freely)
• Show or say they want to take part in a clear and open way — so there is no doubt (they’re keen)
• Everyone agrees (it’s mutual)
• Understand what is happening (they’re informed and able to give consent, for e.g. awake, conscious etc.)
• Keep agreeing to what’s happening before and during sexual activity, not just once, but every time (it’s ongoing)
• Haven’t changed their mind or taken away sexual consent at any time (it’s reversible)

Just because someone doesn’t speak up, say “no”, or push back physically, it doesn’t mean they’re okay with having sex. Someone being quiet, not saying no or not resisting does not mean you have sexual consent.

Sexual consent relates to sexual activities, such as:

• Sexual intercourse
• Touching someone in a sexual way
• Sharing sexual images
• Online sexual activities.

Consent also means people can decide to stop or change their minds at any time in the sexual activity, even if they agreed before. It’s okay to say no at any point.

Sexual consent means respecting each other when you do anything sexual, whether it’s in person or online.

If someone says they’ve changed their mind, says “no”, or wants you to stop, you have to listen. And even if they don’t say anything, you should pay attention to their body language or facial expressions. For example, if they freeze, stay quiet, seem unsure, pull away during a kiss, or look uncomfortable, they might not want to keep going. You should stop and ask before doing anything else.

Sexual consent also applies to online stuff, like texting or messaging each other. And it’s not a one-time thing. It’s ongoing. You’ve got to check in every time you do anything sexual, not just once. Just because someone agreed in the past does not mean they’ll agree next time.

Everyone involved has to agree to join in and want to do it. And you’ve got to talk about and agree how things will happen and ask if they want to use condoms and other contraception. If one person agrees and the other doesn’t, then there is no consent.

Sexual consent also applies to online stuff, like texting or messaging each other

Consent also means people can decide to stop or change their minds at any time in the sexual activity, even if they agreed before. It’s okay to say no at any point. It doesn’t matter. Nobody should ever feel forced to do something they don’t want to do because someone threatens, bullies, controls, tricks you, spies on you or tracks you, makes you feel shame, or uses violence, force or pressure.

Consent sounds like: 

I really like that…
I’d like to…
Is this ok?
Are you comfortable?
Do you want to stop?
Yes. That <action> feels good.
I want to do this.
Are you happy to keep going?

Consent does NOT sound like: 

No. I don’t want to.
Let’s stop.
I’ve changed my mind.
That doesn’t feel right / good / ok. 
I don’t feel comfortable.
I don’t feel like it.
This is gammon. 
I don’t want to go any further.

Yarning to kids and young people about sexual consent can be hard for lots of reasons. But it’s really important so our kids can have healthy relationships. Lots of parents don’t know where to begin. Here are some tips to help you make a start:

• First, have a think about what you want to say — maybe write a few points down
• Timing is everything — so find some time when you’re not rushing to school or work
• Try and do it away from others, so you can talk without people sticky beaking
• Sometimes it might be easier to go for a walk or drive to talk so you don’t have to look at each other
• Listen when they talk, and don’t judge. Try to be patient and understanding.
• Answer questions honestly and the best you can. If you don’t know something, that’s ok. Take time to find out more and then go back to talk about it.
• Small yarns are sometimes better than long ones, but try to have them more often.
• If it doesn’t go to plan, don’t give up. Make time to have another go and remember, there is help out there if you need it. 

As kids get into their teens, you need to be more open and honest in yarning about their changing bodies, sex and sexual consent. It helps them understand what is normal for their age, decide when it is the right time for them to have sex, and gets them ready for when it might happen.

For primary school kids, a good place to start is talking about how kids are the bosses of their bodies. Yarn to them about:

• how they get to decide who touches them e.g. they have the right to say no to holding hands, hugs, kisses or tickling from family members or friends if they don’t feel comfortable and that is ok
• how to get to know and trust their feelings (happy, scared, excited and worried), when something “feels right” or “feels wrong” or “feels confusing”
• to tell a safe person they trust if something doesn’t feel right
• how to say no if they feel uncomfortable or scared or just not ok

Some ways for kids to say no:  

My body is mine, even when I’m asleep.
Please stop touching me.
I don’t want to hold hands with you. Let’s high five. 
I don’t want you to take my photo. 
Please don’t tickle me. 
My private parts are mine. 

This helps kids learn about their own boundaries, like what’s ok and what’s not. It’s about teaching them about consent before it’s about sex. Remember, having your own boundaries is about respecting yourself.

As kids get into their teens, you need to be more open and honest in yarning about their changing bodies, sex and sexual consent. It helps them understand what is normal for their age, decide when it is the right time for them to have sex, and gets them ready for when it might happen.

At first, they might think it’s gammon and maybe shame in yarning about things. But bit by bit, keep at it, and after a while, they’ll probably start to come around. Some tips:

• Start slow and build your teen’s trust by listening. It can be hard, but try not to jump ahead, interrupt or assume things. If you have a blow up, don’t give up.
• Give it a bit of time, then try again.
• Try to keep an open mind, so that they feel ok to ask questions, sharing their thoughts, beliefs, and feelings with you.
• Talk about their feelings — like excitement, frustration, disappointment, anxiety, crushes and attraction. Understanding their feelings helps them know when they feel safe and when they don’t.

These days kids and young people spend lots of time in the digital world — either on their computers or ‘smart phones’. It’s great for learning and staying connected, but there are also risks.

Pornography

It’s easy to find pornography online. Lots of kids watch pornography at a young age (48% of boys by 13 years old and 48% of girls by 15 years old). They’re often watching long before they’ve even started having sex. But at that age they might not realise that it’s not real — that pornography is acting. And it can give them the wrong idea about sex in the real world. 

Pornography often doesn’t show consensual and safe sex. Kids then can get confused about what sexual consent should look like. They might think violent sexual acts are normal and distort what healthy relationships look like. We need to remind them violence is never okay and respect is an important part of sex.

Sexting — messages, photos and videos

Kids often share sexual messages, photos and videos on their phone, social media and email. Because it’s not face to face, it can be easy for them do things first without thinking. We need to remind our kids that even though it’s online, they need to have respect for themselves and the person they’re sharing sexual things with. This means checking for sexual consent.

It's important to talk openly and honestly to kids and young people about sexting to help keep them safe and out of trouble.

Kids also need to know to be careful about what they do online because what they post and share can:

• Get them in trouble with the law (it is illegal to look at, send or keep sexual photos or videos of someone under 18 years old. This is called child pornography.)
• Hurt themselves, their families and communities
• Get them in trouble at school e.g. suspended or expelled
• Make it hard to get a job in years to come
• Make them feel shame
• Be used against them (threaten to publicly post)

It is important to talk openly and honestly to kids and young people about sexting to help keep them safe and out of trouble:

• Tell them not to take sexual photos or videos
• Remind them, if they share sexual photos of themselves, they can’t control where they go and who sees them — so don’t feel pressured to do it
• If someone sends them a sexual photo or video tell them to delete it and tell someone they trust
• Encourage them to look after their own privacy online.
• Tell them what happens if they send a sexual photo or video of someone under age and without permission

Remind them, there is always someone to yarn to about sexting if they need help.

Some ways teens can express consent for online: 

Yes, you can take photo of me. 
No, that is private, I’m not going to share it (photos, videos, messages).
I’ve changed my mind. I’m not comfortable sending you a photo. 
I’m not comfortable with this. I’m going to leave.